conquering the fear

So how did I do it?  I was driving home over Hwy 88.  One of the spots that always caused me a small amount of fear (not a real panic spot) just went by.  I stopped for road construction and thought "how did I get here?"  I know I drove down that grade, but don't remember thinking about the dropoff at all.  And of course, how do you figure out how you didn't do something?  How do you figure out how you didn't think about something when you weren't, after all, thinking about it?

I drove the same stretch of highway exactly one week later.  I drove the spur with almost no fear.  One good trip and I was able to make the movies go away.  I replaced them with the one from a week earlier.  They couldn't win because I knew I had driven the grade down into Silver Lake and hadn't even thought about it!  Yes, Virginia, I know you can do it and not think about it.  This time, on the way back, I thought about it.  But instead of my usual nagging little worry, I chose to focus on the car ahead of me.  After all, I must have been thinking about something else and just zoning out or focusing on the road without seeing the dropoff.  No fear!  I like that.

On the other hand, we went camping in the Sweetwater last weekend and that grade still really scares the bejesus out of me.  David was really great and I worked very hard to refocus my thoughts and gaze so that I could get down it without panicking.  Last year, this grade was about an 8 out of 10 on the fear scale.  This year I would put it more like a 5.  Still some fear, but much better.  Will it ever be okay again?  Maybe?  Silly ruminations, Trix are for kids!

 

So how does this work?

How does ruminating mess up my life?  Sebastian Junger says in his new book, War, "Some people are ruminators and some aren't, and the ones who are can turn one bad incident into a lifetime of trauma."  So true.  I am afraid of heights.  Somewhere along the way, this turned into a panic disorder.  I don't know when exactly the original trauma occurred, but probably sometime early in my childhood.  I had a father who drove a car like he was flying a jet airplane (he was a Navy pilot).  I know there were many incidents of terror for me riding in the car on high places and somehow, I have turned those into an even greater fear.  But I have to wonder if I would have the panic disorder at all if it weren't for the ruminations.

Yesterday, I drove west over Highway 88.  The Carson Spur, just west of Kirkwood is one of my nemeses.  The little movies started playing long before I got there.  I have learned to make them stop, but they are patient and start right back up as soon as I feel safe.  When I did drive the Spur, it was nothing approaching my fears.  I knew it wouldn't be.  If I had watched the little movies and listened to the ruminations, I never would have made it over that rough spot.  Instead, I was able to conquer it.  How many times will I have to conquer it to make the ruminations go away?  Maybe some day, I'll devote a few hours to just driving that section back and forth until I figure it out.

Making this work for me

I am a ruminator.  I ruminate.  This does not mean I have 4 stomachs--that is a ruminant.  It means that I have all these thoughts whirling around in my brain that refuse to shut up and go away.  If I am anxious about something, it will create a little horror movie (like falling off a cliff) and play it over and over and over again.  It is one component of OCD, although fortunately, not debilitating like the need to wash your hands 47 times each morning before eating breakfast.  It affects so many aspects of my life--usually in a detrimental way--that I decided it is time to stop ignoring it and try to do something about it.  I am hoping that by writing this blog, I may be able to make the rumination work for me rather than against.  Wouldn't that be nice?