How does ruminating mess up my life? Sebastian Junger says in his new book, War, "Some people are ruminators and some aren't, and the ones who are can turn one bad incident into a lifetime of trauma." So true. I am afraid of heights. Somewhere along the way, this turned into a panic disorder. I don't know when exactly the original trauma occurred, but probably sometime early in my childhood. I had a father who drove a car like he was flying a jet airplane (he was a Navy pilot). I know there were many incidents of terror for me riding in the car on high places and somehow, I have turned those into an even greater fear. But I have to wonder if I would have the panic disorder at all if it weren't for the ruminations.
Yesterday, I drove west over Highway 88. The Carson Spur, just west of Kirkwood is one of my nemeses. The little movies started playing long before I got there. I have learned to make them stop, but they are patient and start right back up as soon as I feel safe. When I did drive the Spur, it was nothing approaching my fears. I knew it wouldn't be. If I had watched the little movies and listened to the ruminations, I never would have made it over that rough spot. Instead, I was able to conquer it. How many times will I have to conquer it to make the ruminations go away? Maybe some day, I'll devote a few hours to just driving that section back and forth until I figure it out.
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